Back in February my mom and dad picked me up from work and we got home and had some stressful stuff to deal with from my dad's side of the family. I hid away in my room and was talking to a friend until I got kind of hungry. Went down and started to make some soup. My mom was on the phone dealing with my gramma and I could tell she was kind of frustrated and then gramma hung up on her. Mom went in to see my dad who was working on an email.
Sometimes when my mom gets really stressed she either feels sick (like me) or she wants to cry. Well she went into the bathroom near the kitchen and I was still making soup. I heard some weird noises, noises I still can't describe. I was freaked out but I wasn't sure if something was wrong or if she was just trying to breath into a bag or something. The noises stopped after less than a minute and I kept making my soup.
My dad came out and he was talking to me for about 20 minutes and then I managed to get away from him and I took my bowl upstairs. I'd heard him go to the bathroom to check on mom and I had barely put my bowl down before he was yelling up the stairs. I'd just gotten down when he told me to call 9-1-1 and that mom wasn't breathing.
I ran up for my phone and called them and was running back down and saw dad doing CPR on her. He was sobbing and yelling and begging for my mom to start breathing. I was talking to the person on the phone and doing my best to answer his questions and to tell him where we lived. After that I called my sister and told her she needed to get here cause she wasn't breathing.
I went back to tell dad that he had to keep doing CPR and he kept saying that she was gone but he kept telling her she couldn't do this to him, that she couldn't leave. I remember him saying it so clearly: "Marg, please".
Our neighbours across the road came up and one of them worked at a hospital. The wife took over mouth to mouth and the husband did the chest compressions. The first response people finally showed up and they took over. The neighbours moved dad out of the way. I couldn't do much but keep an eye out for the ambulance.
It felt like we waited so long when they finally showed up. The first response team had already pulled mom out of the bathroom and into the kitchen and they had a defibrillator but they never used it. I had thought if they could have brought her back she might have started breathing already. I kind of knew she was gone with how long she had been in the bathroom and the fact they didn't use the defibrillator.
The paramedics eventually look mom away to the hospital and we followed with our neighbour. I had called my friend's mom because she was like a second mother to me. I told her to meet us at the hospital and she brought my friends too. On the way into the hospital I had lost my stomach and was sick. We walked into the hospital and made our way to the ER where I met my friends and that's when I finally broke down and started crying.
Mom went into the bathroom just after 8:00pm and we found her on the floor at 8:30pm. The ambulance arrived between 8:45 and 9:00pm. I don't think we heard from the doctor in the ER till sometime after 11:00pm.
The doctor said she tried some advanced techniques to bring mom back but they just couldn't get her heart beating. My sister and I were crying and sick and they gave us shots of gravol to stop us from being sick and they gave us some Lorazepam to take the edge off our anxiety.
I couldn't go back home. I spent the next I don't know how long with my friend's family and I cried most nights. We found out on the weekend that my mom died of a ruptured abdominal aortic aneurysm. It had been building for the past 10 to 15 years and it is more than likely genetic. Unless you know to look for it they probably wouldn't have found it.
We had the funeral the following Wednesday and I managed to get back to work the following Monday. I was a wreck and still am sometimes. I cried myself to sleep. I had and have dreams of her that could be something like shopping at Costco, or her dead body talking to me.
Aside from when I saw her that night in the bathroom and in the kitchen where they pulled her out I never saw her after she died. I don't want to remember her that way because that would freak me out.
It's probably a good thing we found out what it was that killed her so soon. I read up on it and it was something like they need to get into the OR within 10 minutes to hopefully survive. We had also been told that even if they found the aneurysm the month before when she had her car accident she would have stood something like 10% chance of surviving the surgery to repair it. Knowing that has effectively stopped me from blaming myself and saying "if I had only checked on her sooner, she might still be here."
I still have trouble comprehending the fact she doesn't exist... That she's not here. I can't call her or see her or hear her voice and touch her. I always thought she was going to be there. I wanted to do my best in life to thank her for raising me as well as she did. I wanted to give her grand kids at some point, pay off my student loan and buy a house and host Christmas dinner. I'll keep her in my thoughts but it's not the same.
I miss her so much...