Journals9
Newest
Cleaning House
1 min read
Cleaned up the ol' gallery. Looking back at what I had I certainly question my upload choices. Hopefully there will be better stuff in the future. Assuming I find that motivation...
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Time
3 min read
It's been just over a year now since my mom passed. I kind of can't believe I've gone this long without her. I remember when I was thinking of how I was going to move out and get another apartment and she cosigned for me, I was thinking how I'd have her over often to tea/coffee or something. I would have made supper and had them over. I would have talked to her on the phone often. When I think of the memories I could have made this past year they seem more colourful and cozy. When I look back on the memories I have actually made this past year... they're cold and empty. I've run into so many bumps with my family.
I've never been close to my dad. It's all I can do to email him since talking on the phone would be very awkward. I haven't talked to my brother or sister since Christmas since my sister flipped out at me. I understand emotions were running high since it was the first Christmas without mom but a little restraint goes a long way. I figure out relationship is now going to go the way mine did with my dad... we're essentially not going to talk. I don't trust my sister any longer. I barely trust my dad but I'm torn because now he's the only parent I have left so I would feel horrible if I didn't make some kind of effort. My mom might not be here anymore but I feel like she is somewhere... or maybe it's the memory of her that is living on in me so I kind of do things for her that I think she would want me to do.
My goodness I haven't cried about my mom in a little while now. As soon as I started writing this I turned into a puddle! Maybe that's a good thing as that's a good indication I was stuffing my emotions away in a little box. The stress from that kind of behaviour is never good so maybe my mood will... improve a little?
I just look back over my apartment and picture sitting on the couch with my mom and we're talking about work or cooking or we're watching a show she likes. I could see her trying to pet Mynx and I can almost hear her voice and see her expression as she'd look at the new arrangement of my furniture.
It seems so wrong that she's not here to do any of that.
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Mom
6 min read
Well it's been a day shy of 6 months since my mom died. I usually get pretty sad around the 20th of every month. My anxiety has been jumping up in the morning and evening to the point where I just want to cry because my chest is so tight. I never posted here about what happened.
Back in February my mom and dad picked me up from work and we got home and had some stressful stuff to deal with from my dad's side of the family. I hid away in my room and was talking to a friend until I got kind of hungry. Went down and started to make some soup. My mom was on the phone dealing with my gramma and I could tell she was kind of frustrated and then gramma hung up on her. Mom went in to see my dad who was working on an email.
Sometimes when my mom gets really stressed she either feels sick (like me) or she wants to cry. Well she went into the bathroom near the kitchen and I was still making soup. I heard some weird noises, noises I still can't describe. I was freaked out but I wasn't sure if something was wrong or if she was just trying to breath into a bag or something. The noises stopped after less than a minute and I kept making my soup.
My dad came out and he was talking to me for about 20 minutes and then I managed to get away from him and I took my bowl upstairs. I'd heard him go to the bathroom to check on mom and I had barely put my bowl down before he was yelling up the stairs. I'd just gotten down when he told me to call 9-1-1 and that mom wasn't breathing.
I ran up for my phone and called them and was running back down and saw dad doing CPR on her. He was sobbing and yelling and begging for my mom to start breathing. I was talking to the person on the phone and doing my best to answer his questions and to tell him where we lived. After that I called my sister and told her she needed to get here cause she wasn't breathing.
I went back to tell dad that he had to keep doing CPR and he kept saying that she was gone but he kept telling her she couldn't do this to him, that she couldn't leave. I remember him saying it so clearly: "Marg, please".
Our neighbours across the road came up and one of them worked at a hospital. The wife took over mouth to mouth and the husband did the chest compressions. The first response people finally showed up and they took over. The neighbours moved dad out of the way. I couldn't do much but keep an eye out for the ambulance.
It felt like we waited so long when they finally showed up. The first response team had already pulled mom out of the bathroom and into the kitchen and they had a defibrillator but they never used it. I had thought if they could have brought her back she might have started breathing already. I kind of knew she was gone with how long she had been in the bathroom and the fact they didn't use the defibrillator.
The paramedics eventually look mom away to the hospital and we followed with our neighbour. I had called my friend's mom because she was like a second mother to me. I told her to meet us at the hospital and she brought my friends too. On the way into the hospital I had lost my stomach and was sick. We walked into the hospital and made our way to the ER where I met my friends and that's when I finally broke down and started crying.
Mom went into the bathroom just after 8:00pm and we found her on the floor at 8:30pm. The ambulance arrived between 8:45 and 9:00pm. I don't think we heard from the doctor in the ER till sometime after 11:00pm.
The doctor said she tried some advanced techniques to bring mom back but they just couldn't get her heart beating. My sister and I were crying and sick and they gave us shots of gravol to stop us from being sick and they gave us some Lorazepam to take the edge off our anxiety.
I couldn't go back home. I spent the next I don't know how long with my friend's family and I cried most nights. We found out on the weekend that my mom died of a ruptured abdominal aortic aneurysm. It had been building for the past 10 to 15 years and it is more than likely genetic. Unless you know to look for it they probably wouldn't have found it.
We had the funeral the following Wednesday and I managed to get back to work the following Monday. I was a wreck and still am sometimes. I cried myself to sleep. I had and have dreams of her that could be something like shopping at Costco, or her dead body talking to me.
Aside from when I saw her that night in the bathroom and in the kitchen where they pulled her out I never saw her after she died. I don't want to remember her that way because that would freak me out.
It's probably a good thing we found out what it was that killed her so soon. I read up on it and it was something like they need to get into the OR within 10 minutes to hopefully survive. We had also been told that even if they found the aneurysm the month before when she had her car accident she would have stood something like 10% chance of surviving the surgery to repair it. Knowing that has effectively stopped me from blaming myself and saying "if I had only checked on her sooner, she might still be here."
I still have trouble comprehending the fact she doesn't exist... That she's not here. I can't call her or see her or hear her voice and touch her. I always thought she was going to be there. I wanted to do my best in life to thank her for raising me as well as she did. I wanted to give her grand kids at some point, pay off my student loan and buy a house and host Christmas dinner. I'll keep her in my thoughts but it's not the same.
I miss her so much...
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
GoodLife Fitness
4 min read
So since I've been out of school I lost access to the gym there. I've walked by this club all the time when I was going to school for the past 3 years but I have never gone in there. Last week, when I decided to go get my G1 again (drivers license, first level of a very long and expensive process) and a woman at the bus terminal was asking me about GoodLife Fitness for Women. I agreed to come in for a meeting and during that time I got a tour of the club and I heard some of the prices. For $22 every 2 weeks (not including taxes, so I round to $25 to be safe) I get complete access to that club and the 24 hour club 20 minutes away, I also get access to a lot of different classes for free! I like that. I also went for the 3 sessions with a trainer deal so I saved about $50 or something. In addition I could spam some of my friends by referring them to GoodLife in exchange for more free stuff. So I scoured my phone list for people who might be interested in going to a gym like this and I got a gym bag and a t-shirt. I don't care much for the t-shirt but the gym bag was needed, otherwise I'd be using a grocery bag... bleh!
I've been to the gym 3 times before today, yesterday one of my friends actually signed up so I have someone to workout with... I also got a little laundry bag too. More free stuff! So I worked out with her for that day and today I had my first training session. She ran me through a couple questions and figured out my resting heart rate so she could determine my different heart rates (one for fat burn and one for cardio, 65% and 80% kind of thing). She put my on the elliptical for a few minutes to get me to work up to each level and I have to say I've never worked out like that before! I have not been doing this right at all! I was dying a little but that was also because she was talking to me and asking me questions so I could breathe that well. I have quite a bit of work ahead of me if I'm going to improve my cardio.
After that we moved to some of the machines so I could strengthen my back muscles and legs (it was only an hour session so we couldn't do everything). Part of what I want is to shape up my mid section and define my waist more and shrink a few areas... I'm not a big person, I've never been like that, but there's been that creeping weight gain ever since high school (I'm only 140lbs and I'm 5'5") Another goal of mine is to strengthen my core because I have had issues with my back and hips, a bit of chronic pain every once in a while when I've done something to strain my body. After with did the back extension thing I felt okay, but my hip pain started to kick in after a bit. We did two more machines, one for my quads and one for my hamstrings. Then she pushed me to do the stairs in the club so I had to see how many times I could go up and down the stairs in 60 seconds. The average for 5 and I managed 4 both times I did it. At the third rep my right leg was like jelly, like it wasn't even there and my left was no better.
So, about 3 hours later after my workout my hip is still terribly sore, Ibuprfen isn't doing too much and the hot water bottle isn't really relieving the pain either. I'm really hoping that it's just a weakness in my hip and if I work at it this kind of pain will never come back. But was it stands, I won't be at the gym again until Monday. Then Tuesday is my second session and Thursday is my last session.
I've been to the gym 3 times before today, yesterday one of my friends actually signed up so I have someone to workout with... I also got a little laundry bag too. More free stuff! So I worked out with her for that day and today I had my first training session. She ran me through a couple questions and figured out my resting heart rate so she could determine my different heart rates (one for fat burn and one for cardio, 65% and 80% kind of thing). She put my on the elliptical for a few minutes to get me to work up to each level and I have to say I've never worked out like that before! I have not been doing this right at all! I was dying a little but that was also because she was talking to me and asking me questions so I could breathe that well. I have quite a bit of work ahead of me if I'm going to improve my cardio.
After that we moved to some of the machines so I could strengthen my back muscles and legs (it was only an hour session so we couldn't do everything). Part of what I want is to shape up my mid section and define my waist more and shrink a few areas... I'm not a big person, I've never been like that, but there's been that creeping weight gain ever since high school (I'm only 140lbs and I'm 5'5") Another goal of mine is to strengthen my core because I have had issues with my back and hips, a bit of chronic pain every once in a while when I've done something to strain my body. After with did the back extension thing I felt okay, but my hip pain started to kick in after a bit. We did two more machines, one for my quads and one for my hamstrings. Then she pushed me to do the stairs in the club so I had to see how many times I could go up and down the stairs in 60 seconds. The average for 5 and I managed 4 both times I did it. At the third rep my right leg was like jelly, like it wasn't even there and my left was no better.
So, about 3 hours later after my workout my hip is still terribly sore, Ibuprfen isn't doing too much and the hot water bottle isn't really relieving the pain either. I'm really hoping that it's just a weakness in my hip and if I work at it this kind of pain will never come back. But was it stands, I won't be at the gym again until Monday. Then Tuesday is my second session and Thursday is my last session.
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Geocaching Madness
1 min read
Just got back from an all day geocaching trip. Left at 7:30AM and got about around 8:00PM. Toured around Bancroft and Algonquin Park and took a ton of pictures. Obviously not all are going to go up here but I took a few specifically for artistic purposes and I just want to touch them up and add some effects. Until then... I'm going to be to uploading a lot of stuff to Facebook and G+ :S
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In